Simon Snachet, a French actor from Paris, is wanted for questioning related to a box of stolen Oscar statuettes, a Los Angeles police source said. The French actor, not well known in the United States, is said to have told numerous friends that he couldn't bear to see actor Kevin Spacey and the movie "American Beauty" in his words "run away with the awards." Snachet reportedly said, "Me and Diary will run away with the Oscars this year."

Snachet was the star of a French film, "Diary of Kleptomaniac" in which he plays a compulsive shoplifter. Critics panned the movie blaming poor acting as the film's downfall. One critic said there was no acting, since a story circulated in France that Snachet has a long juvenile criminal record of shoplifting.

Airline records indicate that Snachet flew into LAX airport the day before the Oscar statuettes were stolen from a Los Angeles suburban loading dock, an LA police spokesman said. But they have no other evidence linking Snachet to the crime. Macon police report that LA police informed them that a man matching Snachet's description but listed as Simon Cherry flew from LAX into Atlanta's Hartsfield airport before catching a commuter flight to the Macon Municipal airport.

Macon may be site of pilot drug rehab program

Ellis recently attended a national mayor's roundtable in Nashville, Tenn. Ellis said Vice President Al Gore, also known as national vice mayor, asked Ellis to help create a pilot project for a new drug rehab program.

"Vice-president Gore told me the heart-breaking story of three pilots who really need rehab help. He also assured me there's no credence to the story that these pilots were involved in transporting the president to rendezvous with various women. Hopefully, Macon will be the city, we could use the jobs and we certainly have a lot of pilots around here, especially around Robins Air Force Base," Ellis said.

Caution Over Macon, a splinter organization from the well-known group, Caution Macon, opposes the concept. "We don't want to see a bunch of pilot junkies hanging around Macon. We don't want to draw them to the area because sooner or later they're going to get behind the throttle of an aircraft," and Rick N. Little, a spokesman for the group.

While tending to a fire Monday morning at Oak Ridge Apartments on Napier Avenue, Fire Sgt. Joe Allen was confronted by one of his worst fears - a 10-foot-long snake. The electrical fire broke out in one of the apartments at about 9 a.m., Allen said. Firefighters kicked down the door and began dousing the flames with water.

When it became apparent that the fire had spread next door, Allen kicked in that door and tried to see through the dense smoke. "I heard somebody in the back yell something about a snake," Allen said. "Good God almighty! It was the biggest snake I'd ever seen."

The 10-foot python was in a glass tank near the front of the room. It squirmed around the smoke-filled tank, trying to get out, Allen said. The snake was rescued promptly.

Despite his adrenaline-filled duties as a firefighter, Allen said he doesn't usually have to face his most serious phobias on the job. "I face my worst phobias as a county commissioner. But to be philosophical, my whole morning was like one big metaphor for county commission duties....I got to kick down some doors, stumble through a maze in dense smoke, try to avoid hot spots and flames, spray water on electrical fires, and dodge snakes. Being a firefighter prepares me to be a county commission chairman about as well as any job could," Allen said.

ATLANTA - A controversial bill to make severe and malicious animal cruelty a felony in Georgia has stalled in a House committee, while the bill's backers and opponents twist arms and apply pressure from both sides.

The bill, which was watered down significantly before it passed the Senate, would make it a felony to maim or kill an animal. Twenty-seven states have passed similar laws making certain types of animal cruelty a felony offense.

A provision that would have outlawed raising game fowl for cockfighting was eliminated, and a dozen exemptions were added for such things as hunting, animal husbandry, political campaigns and farming. Cockfighting is illegal in Georgia. But Sen. Robert Brown, D-Macon, said he also believes the cockfighting lobby may be the hang-up. "To date, the only persons who continue to express any concern beyond the dozens of exemptions are persons associated with game cocks," Brown said. "We have brought everybody else to the table, bulldogs, volunteers, gators, tigers, you name it."

Brown, who has been lobbying for this bill for months, said he will be "mad enough to punch somebody out" if it does not get to the House floor. Other lobbying groups, such as Protectors of Pig Private Parts, support Brown and the bill.

"We think male swine should have the right to retain their male qualities. It's definitely cruel to deprive them of their private parts," said William Jefferson Hogg, a spokesman for the PPPP group.

"We have shown that there is support for this bill from all over the state---especially from pigs."

The president of Bob Jones University spoke out against religious intolerance and denial of free speech during a sermon Sunday in Macon. Bob Jones III told members of Gilead Baptist Church on Rocky Creek Road that other religious denominations and the U.S. government were persecuting his university's right to free speech. He said it was a dark day for Christians.

"The anti-Christ himself, the Pope, and his demonic children in the US Congress, not to mention the Jewish and Muslim heathens, are persecuting me because they can't stand the light of truth," the 60-year-old university president told the congregation. "This is a godless society trying to reshape the world."

But the Senate and others have condemned the school for its religious views, Jones said.

"It's all right to have a sexual predator in the White House, but it's not OK to say what I think about the Pope," Jones said.

Jones said after the sermon that he is not intolerant of other denominations including Catholicism, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints and even non-Christian religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism.

He said he respects those people, about as much as he can respect any idiot.

"Differences are not intolerance," he said. "In America, tolerance is the right of any other religion to be ignorant." For that reason, Jones said during his sermon that he should not have to alter his teachings merely to accommodate the facts.

"People are stifling our free speech so that churches like ours can't teach the Bible and make up interpretations the best way it knows how," he said.

The Rev. Flem Fluffman, pastor at Gilead Baptist, said after Jones' sermon that it is all right to be Catholic or another denomination. It's also OK to be an ignorant idiot and a godless heathen.

"It's possible to be Catholic and get to heaven, but only if you believe what the Bible says," Huffman said. "The flap is over the fact that Catholics also believe you have to do good deeds. We believe you only have to believe the Bible and say good stuff."

ATLANTA - House leaders introduced a bill to change Georgia's campaign finance rules by raising the limit on how much money donors can give, requiring electronic reporting of contributions, and allowing higher limits when candidates threaten to post nude photos on the internet.

The measure would also require state officials and candidates to warn citizens when they plan to post nude photos of themselves or their spouses on their campaign web sites. "It's only fair that citizens are warned before they see unwanted images," said Ben Bareback, an aide to Gov. Roy Barnes. "But it creates a problem when candidates or their spouses are really ugly. In those cases, many ---er, 'supporters' -----for lack of a better term, are willing to pay the campaign NOT to post the photos."

Campaign experts view internet photos as a relatively new campaign fund-raising tool. "In some cases, the opposing candidates may post nude photos of their opponents. We want a complete disclosure when one candidate 'contributes' to his or her opponent's campaign to prevent that," Bareback said.

Opponents of the bill include lawmakers with really ugly spouses and some nude dance club owners who don't want to lose business while their former customers surf the internet for nude campaign photos.

The Macon and Bibb County governments are unconstitutional, a Bibb County Superior Court judge has ruled.

In a 50-page ruling recently issued, Judge Phillip Green wrote that the current method of governing the city and county short-changes residents by not providing equal protection for sane, rational people.

He also criticized the way council and commission members dress and behave. "Some are sharp, some are slobs, some act intelligently, others, well---you get the picture," Green said.

"The extent of the impact of this decision is left primarily for future determination," Green stated in the ruling. "However, this still leaves open the possibility of important civic needs being unmet if the problem with the makeup of these governments persists. They should start with a single smaller government and by numeric definition it would consist of less loons. Furthermore, I'm struggling to write 50 pages of words that are not too redundant and not very specific. Yada, yada, yada."

Bibb commission chairman Larry Justice said, "I'm not surprised with the ruling (Green) made. But I must emphasize that there are no proven health risks associated with keeping the current Macon and Bibb County governments. But come November, I don't care if they ban government from the courthouse."

Attorney Almand Joy said Green's decision likely would be appealed. "Heck, we always recommend an appeal, we have mortgages to pay, you know. But I really dread reading those 50 long legal-size sheets."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.